His pointless existence.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Our lives could have been so different from what they are now. I wonder what mine would be like. I'm drowning in debt, struggling to pay my bills, working agency shifts and living from one pay day to the next. I'm loving my army life, quite like my job and really enjoying keeping fit. I wonder if I would seem different now. Would he see that I have changed?

What is his life like? I doubt that it has changed much. Dysfunctional family, looking down his nose at those around him, thinking that he is so much better than everyone else. I just wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he thinks about how his life could be so much different. I think that my life would have been so much worse than it is now, whereas his miserable existence would have been so much more improved.

Day 8 of 8 and beyond.

I didn't write about day 8, I think I just wanted to shut it from memory. Needless to say, it was as bad as it ever gets. Too many patients, not enough staff, blah blah. Who cares? No one. Certainly not the management. Anyway, I went to my fitness class after that last shift and 8 days of persistent dehydration nearly did me in. I had a very bad headache for 24 hours after that session.

Today's shift is a long day. I did a late shift yesterday and ended up leaving the ward at 22.30. That's 8.75 hours between shifts. Totally unacceptable. I didn't sleep either. I was watching the news about the London riots but I think I was doing that because I just didn't want today to come around too quickly. I'm dreading this shift. And I'm on a 10 hour early shift tomorrow. I dread going in each time. I feel I'm not doing my job properly and that I'm putting my registration at risk each and every time I'm there. I missed things yesterday. Little things, nothing life threatening. I felt I was leaving things for the night staff, despite not having a break. The sister I was working with and I grabbed a sandwich each out of the fridge and ate that while we were writing. This was after 8pm and it was the first time we had had a drink as well. It won't be long before we're all off sick. If it wasn't for the army I'd be off sick with stress myself.

Day 7 of 8.

More of the same on my long day. Boiling hot ward. Didn't get my break until 14.15. Not that bothered really because it makes the afternoon shorter. I was working with a 2nd year nursing student. She hasn't really got a lot of go about her; needs a lot of direction. Not seen a lot of evidence of common sense either. Maybe I'm just being too mean. She's on a visit elsewhere tomorrow so I'm on my own on my 10 hour shift tomorrow. It is hard having 8 patients in the morning. The writing is so time consuming. Anyway, I guess it wasn't too bad today. I need to chase something up with one of my patients as I don't know what's happenening with her. She has a wond that needs looking at and nothing was done yesterday. I'm not sure whether I was supposed to be doing anything or not. One thing that was a nightmare was that it was the day the doctors changed over. New SHOs and some registrars. No on call SHO in the morning so the reg was writig take home meds and putting in cannulas. He was very good actually. Saved our bacon! Bring on the 10 hour stretch tomorrow then freedom for 3 days! :-)

Day 6 of 8.

It was a normal early shift today so of course I finished at 15.45 instead of 14.45. It seems to be a regular occurrence. I was on the same side of the ward too, but I didn't have the bay of patients with the fuckwit. I was working with my friend so she took them. I had some heavy patients but they turned out okay. I'm not able to give the care that I want to because there is just too much to do but it wasn't too bad a shift. I was late because I was giving one of my ladies a shower. She is a medical patient and has the most horrendous wound on her leg that I've ever seen. The doctor wants us to shower her with the dressing off to see if the water will get rid of the dead tissue. Well, bits come off it but it's not really doing much. It was nice to get her all freshened up anyway, and her family were there when I brought her back so I did the dressing with them there. I don't mind them being there while I do it. It was the first time they had seen the wound and they were mortified.
Anyway, time's getting on. I'm about to start day 7 of 8 and it's a long day. I don't want to be too late for work... Who knows? I might get a say in which patients I look after today!

Day 5 of 8.

I am not looking after the same patients again tomorrow. I have had the same patients for 5 days running without a day off. Most of them are fine, it's actually great knowing what's going on with them, but there's one who I hope never makes it off the operating table. If they decide to operate on her. And I hope they don't. What a waste of oxygen. And her scummy offspring are just the worst. Typical Jeremy Kyle fodder. I can't look after her anymore. I've been nice as pie, doing my job, making sure everything is done for her, and she turns like a rabid dog. Her chav daughter gave me an earful for saying that visiting finished at 4 but she could sit in the dayroom or on the sofas outside the ward. Then there was a problem with this patient being off the ward while the evening meal was being served and we couldn't reheat it so she's been slagging me off since then. I wasn't even there when all of this took place but somehow she blames me! I don't know how that happened and to be honest, I don't care. She's a waste of time. It's all documented and I'll explain what happened to the ward manager and I will ask to look after different patients tomorrow. It's a shame, because the rest of those patients are lovely. I feel like I've achieved so much with the rest of them. Ah well. The SHO on call was a bit useless today. 3 of my patients didn't get their meds beccause he didn't put cannulas in them. We hardly saw him this afternoon. It's his first stint doing these shifts on this ward but he's a SHO so should have enough experience to be able to manage the workload. It's frustrating sometimes. We seem to spend a lot of the day chasing other people to do their jobs. I really wanted to walk out today. I was losing my patience with a couple of the other patients and I shouldn't do that. It's unprofessional and it's unforgiveable. I think rotation around the ward is a good idea though. We shouldn't be expected to care for the same patients for long stretches. Especially her.

Day 4 of 8.

It's very demoralising to be constantly criticised when working as hard as you can. There are very few nurses who go into the job expecting praise and gratitude all of the time, but to have to put up with relentless comments, snipes, dirty looks, tuts, and criticisms is soul destroying. I worked 10 hours today with a 2 minute break, which is when I threw a sandwich down my neck because I was starving. Sister E was in charge this morning and although it was impossibly busy again, it was a nice natured shift and the work got done. Sister A was in charge this afternoon and the atmosphere changed. I was helping another nurse for the last couple of hours of my shift because I'd handed over my patients to sister A. She came around to see us both to tell us that we need to make sure the risk assessments are being done because they're not being separated from the main notes and they're getting missed. I think it was aimed at me because she had taken over my patients. She seems to have it in for me lately. It's just so horrible, feeling like crap nurse #1 when I'm trying so hard. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. I need to chase up my officer application. Maybe it's time to move on. :-(

Day 3 of 8.

I didn't write on the day, too tired! More of the same. I'm noticing more and more short tempers from the staff, including myself. There was a big barney involving the night staff very recently. So bad that one of the patients asked to be moved because she couldn't stand the arguing! Very unprofessional. There are the same members of staff that constantly take the piss though, and don't pull their weight. It leads to stress and resentment from everyone else. I received a text message from a friend who was on the late shift that it had gone from bad to worse. I had left at 4pm... was supposed to finish at 2.45pm. It's difficult when you're constantly mithered though, and writing on 8 patients from an early takes some considerable time. It's not going to change is it? The NHS is going down the toilet.