Fucking Torres and fucking nonsense.

I admit it. I'm on Twitter. It's fucking crap, I read it and I don't know why I read it but I do. Anyway. I'm utterly fucking sick of posts about this no-brainer called Torres. What the fuck is he? A footballer? Someone who can kick a ball around a field? His mother must be so proud. Vast amounts of money; unimaginable to most of us, spent on a robot that can kick a ball. What the fuck use would he be in a national emergency? Fucking none. I can't bear this celebrity status given to thicko footballers who have no skills apart from being able to kick a ball. Football has lost all of its credibility. It's not about skill anymore; it's about money. I'm a nurse on a NHS surgical ward, earning less than £22K a year. Who would you rather have in your nuclear bunker? If you're below the age of 16 then you'd prefer the footballer. Good luck to you! You're dead already.

Money and men.

I'm officially skint again. I can see that I'll probably have to get another one of those payday loans again, but I'm going to leave it until a bit closer to payday. I'm also reapplying for tax credits, looking into getting the 25% reduction on council tax and sorting out child benefits, because apparently that's stopping in June. I thought it gets paid until she leaves full time education, or up to 19 years old or something. I've been stupid, letting all of these things slide, and I'm paying for it now but if I get it sorted today I might see the benefit in February or March.

I'm still single. There's a guy who's quite keen but I don't have any feelings for him at all really. I'm not attracted to him, and have told him that I just want friendship for now but he's constantly emailing, telling me I'm unique etc. I feel really mean and I'm going to have to tell him because I feel I'm just leading him on. We got chatting on the website and we met up once. He was ok, but I'm just not interested in seeing him again. The most recent ex sent me a message on Facebook yesterday, asking after me and saying that he thought about me. This is what I wanted. I'm not interested in getting back with him, but I want him to realise what he's missing out on. I'm still quite bitter and I want him to hurt, to miss me.

Trying for a new start.

I haven't been able to sleep tonight. It's now 4.30am and I've just submitted an online application for a new job. It's on an ICU department. I'm apprehensive at the thought of starting somewhere new and I do actually like where I work but I feel the need to move on. What triggered it was the thought of facing the deputy ward manager tomorrow when I have to tell her that I don't have the required form I need for a training session. I'm not sure that it was given back to me after it was signed; I just can't remember. Anyway, I don't have it. This manager doesn't like me anyway. She's never liked me so this is just more fuel for the fire. It's a shame, because I'd love working there if it wasn't for her. She's the reason I've made absolutely no progress with my increments during my nearly 2 years on that ward. Anyway, an ICU qualification would be really useful for my army career! I'm not saying I'll even get an interview, I mean, completing an application form at this time when I'm pissed off and tired! Watch this space anyway. You never know...

Ah, bring on February!

I've been paid today! Oh joy! I checked my account before going to work this morning. The payday loan hadn't gone out; I hope they hadn't called for it before my wages went in... stupid of them if they did! I told them my pay date, it's up to them after that. I've done a bit of shopping, put petrol in my car and feel a whole lot better now, even though I know I'll be skint this month too. I'm prepared though; I can deal with it. There aren't any social engagements planned until after the next pay day so that's one good thing.

I've been back at work for a couple of days having had 11 days off. I didn't do much during the 11 days due to no cash, but it was nice having some time off. It was a lovely shift today; relatively quiet and the ward wasn't full. I ended up with just 3 patients so needless to say they were well cared for during my 10 hour shift!

I've been spending way too much time on Facebook because there is a guy on there who I have my eye on... same old story. I'm so lame. I really need to restart my army training because I need a new focus. I've been talking with an army friend of mine on the phone this evening and she's going through some traumas in her personal life so we both could do with concentrating on something we're doing for ourselves and will also benefit our physical and mental health at the same time. We're both still waiting to hear from our staff sergeant but we're mithering him constantly! He'll get sick of us eventually!

I'm actually feeling quite positive about the future now. I survived January (financially). It's going to be a squeeze but I'll get through February too. I just have to sign the NHSP forms to get on the bank to be able to extra shifts and earn extra money. I (hopefully) have army training coming up; good for the soul and the pocket! Things are going to get better for me. I'm not much liking being on my own so much though. I've had a taster recently of how good it can be to have some male company (and I'm not just talking about sex!) and I don't want to be on my own anymore. It's sad, but true. I'm lonely. It's a work in progress. I've decided to not just settle for anyone though; that would be easy. I want to love someone, and to be loved in return. He's out there. And I'm looking.

Still got my knee caps...

I'm still alive. The Halifax haven't sent the boys round to kneecap me or anything. A direct debit did get declined but there was cash in the bank when it was re-requested. Vodafone aren't going to get paid though because their DD is due the day before I get paid. That was bad planning. Might have to change the date of that one. Anyway, I have next to no money but I still managed to see a mate today that I really needed to see. She's a TA mate. We've both been through a bad time lately; she's still going through it and we really needed to get together. We went for a walk and managed to sort out some training dates for this year. We both really need to do something for ourselves. I'm going to ring my PSI on Monday to confirm the dates but I'll hopefully be back into training at the end of March. Time to get the gymboss out! I can't run for beans. So looking forward to going back though. I loved it there.

Anyway, 5 more days until I get paid. I did take out a payday loan and I'm going to pay it back when I get paid. They keep offering an extension but the grabbing bastards charge £50 for it. I only borrowed £200! I could have done with more but I was thinking of how much I'd have left out of next month's money... Anyway, it cost me £38. Not too bad. Going to try not to do it again though. February's going to be tight as well. I've ducked out of a hen do because it's at a night club and I won't be able to afford it. I'm going to start doing bank shifts; the application is going through. When I get through my army training I'll be on better money as an acting corporal. Doesn't help me now but the future is looking a little less dim!

Cash Generator?? I don't think so!

Just back from Cash Generator and they offered me £24 for the flute. £24!! They can kiss my ass! Bunch of robbing b'stards. Think I might get one of those payday loans. I don't think I'll be the only one this month.

The last thing I need is a VAT increase!

Crappiest of crap starts to the year. I have £64 to last me the next 20 days and about £3 million due to come out of my bank in debits. What have I been playing at? I hadn't checked my bank account in weeks, and I've just been through an expensive Christmas. I couldn't go shopping tonight and we're getting low on food. I'm supposed to be hosting a cocktail evening in just over a week for 2 friends. WTF??? This has been a big wake up call for me. 2010 (the latter half) was rubbish; I was bordering on proper depression I think. I'm determined to make this year better. I'm seeing this as the residue of being a complete dick while going out with a complete dick, getting myself knocked up, getting dumped and having an abortion. It was shit, but it was last year. This is the result. I've had my head in the clouds and this is the result. I've been living in fantasy land, spending, buying crap, getting drunk A LOT and now this. Well, it won't continue. I hope I catch a lucky break tomorrow and my car insurance goes out a bit late because I do have cash to put in my account. I just won't get there until tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to finally get rid of the flute I bought for my daughter when she was 11; she lost interest when it got difficult and it's been gathering dust ever since. It's going to the pawn shop. I don't care if I only get £50 for it, I need the money. I'll try not to look too desperate when I go in though...

Anyway, onward and upward. I'm reducing my direct debits, reapplying for single person council tax reduction, reapplying for tax credits, and anything else I can think of. I'll be using my Nectar points for shopping, and I have a fair few. I will only be buying basics though and using what I have in the freezer. Other than that, it will be Netto down the road. The heating will be used minimally. Dishwasher hardly at all. I can't afford to put petrol in the car so I'll be walking to work and using it sparingly. Tomorrow I'm driving to my Mum's so I'll go to the bank and get some necessities from the nearby Sainsburys; three things in one go. I've cancelled a meeting with a potential love interest; I was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow evening. I haven't told him why; too embarrassing, but cannot afford to travel to the arranged destination. I have to concentrate on getting myself right first. This is so important. It's crap being skint but it makes a person reassess what is really necessary. When I was sorting out my papers and tidying stuff away, I came across the painkillers I was prescribed following my abortion, and it crossed my mind to take a whole load of them because I was feeling so disappointed in myself. It was just a fleeting thought but it made me burst into tears. I know I'd never really consider doing myself in. It's definitely not that bad. Yep, onward and upward. I have so much to live for; I'm loads luckier than so many people. This is a blip and it is entirely my doing. It's my responsibility to get myself out of it.