His pointless existence.

I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Our lives could have been so different from what they are now. I wonder what mine would be like. I'm drowning in debt, struggling to pay my bills, working agency shifts and living from one pay day to the next. I'm loving my army life, quite like my job and really enjoying keeping fit. I wonder if I would seem different now. Would he see that I have changed?

What is his life like? I doubt that it has changed much. Dysfunctional family, looking down his nose at those around him, thinking that he is so much better than everyone else. I just wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he thinks about how his life could be so much different. I think that my life would have been so much worse than it is now, whereas his miserable existence would have been so much more improved.

Day 8 of 8 and beyond.

I didn't write about day 8, I think I just wanted to shut it from memory. Needless to say, it was as bad as it ever gets. Too many patients, not enough staff, blah blah. Who cares? No one. Certainly not the management. Anyway, I went to my fitness class after that last shift and 8 days of persistent dehydration nearly did me in. I had a very bad headache for 24 hours after that session.

Today's shift is a long day. I did a late shift yesterday and ended up leaving the ward at 22.30. That's 8.75 hours between shifts. Totally unacceptable. I didn't sleep either. I was watching the news about the London riots but I think I was doing that because I just didn't want today to come around too quickly. I'm dreading this shift. And I'm on a 10 hour early shift tomorrow. I dread going in each time. I feel I'm not doing my job properly and that I'm putting my registration at risk each and every time I'm there. I missed things yesterday. Little things, nothing life threatening. I felt I was leaving things for the night staff, despite not having a break. The sister I was working with and I grabbed a sandwich each out of the fridge and ate that while we were writing. This was after 8pm and it was the first time we had had a drink as well. It won't be long before we're all off sick. If it wasn't for the army I'd be off sick with stress myself.

Day 7 of 8.

More of the same on my long day. Boiling hot ward. Didn't get my break until 14.15. Not that bothered really because it makes the afternoon shorter. I was working with a 2nd year nursing student. She hasn't really got a lot of go about her; needs a lot of direction. Not seen a lot of evidence of common sense either. Maybe I'm just being too mean. She's on a visit elsewhere tomorrow so I'm on my own on my 10 hour shift tomorrow. It is hard having 8 patients in the morning. The writing is so time consuming. Anyway, I guess it wasn't too bad today. I need to chase something up with one of my patients as I don't know what's happenening with her. She has a wond that needs looking at and nothing was done yesterday. I'm not sure whether I was supposed to be doing anything or not. One thing that was a nightmare was that it was the day the doctors changed over. New SHOs and some registrars. No on call SHO in the morning so the reg was writig take home meds and putting in cannulas. He was very good actually. Saved our bacon! Bring on the 10 hour stretch tomorrow then freedom for 3 days! :-)

Day 6 of 8.

It was a normal early shift today so of course I finished at 15.45 instead of 14.45. It seems to be a regular occurrence. I was on the same side of the ward too, but I didn't have the bay of patients with the fuckwit. I was working with my friend so she took them. I had some heavy patients but they turned out okay. I'm not able to give the care that I want to because there is just too much to do but it wasn't too bad a shift. I was late because I was giving one of my ladies a shower. She is a medical patient and has the most horrendous wound on her leg that I've ever seen. The doctor wants us to shower her with the dressing off to see if the water will get rid of the dead tissue. Well, bits come off it but it's not really doing much. It was nice to get her all freshened up anyway, and her family were there when I brought her back so I did the dressing with them there. I don't mind them being there while I do it. It was the first time they had seen the wound and they were mortified.
Anyway, time's getting on. I'm about to start day 7 of 8 and it's a long day. I don't want to be too late for work... Who knows? I might get a say in which patients I look after today!

Day 5 of 8.

I am not looking after the same patients again tomorrow. I have had the same patients for 5 days running without a day off. Most of them are fine, it's actually great knowing what's going on with them, but there's one who I hope never makes it off the operating table. If they decide to operate on her. And I hope they don't. What a waste of oxygen. And her scummy offspring are just the worst. Typical Jeremy Kyle fodder. I can't look after her anymore. I've been nice as pie, doing my job, making sure everything is done for her, and she turns like a rabid dog. Her chav daughter gave me an earful for saying that visiting finished at 4 but she could sit in the dayroom or on the sofas outside the ward. Then there was a problem with this patient being off the ward while the evening meal was being served and we couldn't reheat it so she's been slagging me off since then. I wasn't even there when all of this took place but somehow she blames me! I don't know how that happened and to be honest, I don't care. She's a waste of time. It's all documented and I'll explain what happened to the ward manager and I will ask to look after different patients tomorrow. It's a shame, because the rest of those patients are lovely. I feel like I've achieved so much with the rest of them. Ah well. The SHO on call was a bit useless today. 3 of my patients didn't get their meds beccause he didn't put cannulas in them. We hardly saw him this afternoon. It's his first stint doing these shifts on this ward but he's a SHO so should have enough experience to be able to manage the workload. It's frustrating sometimes. We seem to spend a lot of the day chasing other people to do their jobs. I really wanted to walk out today. I was losing my patience with a couple of the other patients and I shouldn't do that. It's unprofessional and it's unforgiveable. I think rotation around the ward is a good idea though. We shouldn't be expected to care for the same patients for long stretches. Especially her.

Day 4 of 8.

It's very demoralising to be constantly criticised when working as hard as you can. There are very few nurses who go into the job expecting praise and gratitude all of the time, but to have to put up with relentless comments, snipes, dirty looks, tuts, and criticisms is soul destroying. I worked 10 hours today with a 2 minute break, which is when I threw a sandwich down my neck because I was starving. Sister E was in charge this morning and although it was impossibly busy again, it was a nice natured shift and the work got done. Sister A was in charge this afternoon and the atmosphere changed. I was helping another nurse for the last couple of hours of my shift because I'd handed over my patients to sister A. She came around to see us both to tell us that we need to make sure the risk assessments are being done because they're not being separated from the main notes and they're getting missed. I think it was aimed at me because she had taken over my patients. She seems to have it in for me lately. It's just so horrible, feeling like crap nurse #1 when I'm trying so hard. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. I need to chase up my officer application. Maybe it's time to move on. :-(

Day 3 of 8.

I didn't write on the day, too tired! More of the same. I'm noticing more and more short tempers from the staff, including myself. There was a big barney involving the night staff very recently. So bad that one of the patients asked to be moved because she couldn't stand the arguing! Very unprofessional. There are the same members of staff that constantly take the piss though, and don't pull their weight. It leads to stress and resentment from everyone else. I received a text message from a friend who was on the late shift that it had gone from bad to worse. I had left at 4pm... was supposed to finish at 2.45pm. It's difficult when you're constantly mithered though, and writing on 8 patients from an early takes some considerable time. It's not going to change is it? The NHS is going down the toilet.

Day 2 of 8.

Written on my phone in my car at 13.25 on my break:
I hate working for the NHS, the organisation is a fucking joke. I have just been made to look like an idiot by sister A. She said I was panicking when I wasn't and she made me go on my break. I am sitting in my car on my own with a coffee because I was near tears before and I didn't want anyone to see me. I'm just sick of being ridiculed all the fucking time. I work so hard for so little reward. I didn't have a break this morning. She was mothering me to get rid of 1 of my patients so she could get someone else in. Turns out she had allocated wrong and he wasn't suitable for that bed. So I got stuck with moving him while she chatted to people at the nurse station. So sick of doing other people's work as well as my own. This ward is a fucking joke. I do not want to be an NHS patient ever, because we're all overworked, overstretched and underpaid. The stress is like nothing I've ever known. It's crap being a junior nurse.

I'm home now. I've just had a micro meal and I'm on some cheap wine. It's horrible but I'm drinking it. The day didn't get much better. The dependency of the patients is too much for the staff numbers. Patients are getting older and sicker and no one ever seems to take that into account. I finished at 21.30. I've had 8 patients all day. Numerous IVs, doctors seemingly unable to follow basic instructions. I think I've sent someone home without an anticoagulant clinic appointment; I'll have to follow that up tomorrow, if I have time. It was the patient I was rushing to get discharged because we needed the bed. I'm dreading tomorrow. It will be more of the same. I'm on a normal early, but I probably won't finish on time. More free labour for the NHS. But we're all supposed to be grateful to have a job, aren't we? I wish I had the brass neck to take the piss and go off sick with stress. It's always the same ones who take the piss. And I'm the one getting yelled at and made fun of.

Day 1 of 8.

Well, it was a busy one but I expected that. No break so I've just had a bacon butty and some chocolate. I was working with my favourite sister E. I took over from a nurse that only ever seems to do half a job. There was loads for me to do as soon as I came on. I was doing lunchtime medications, including IVs. Half the paperwork wasn't done for the ICU patients. It's annoying. My feet are killing me and my legs started aching towards the end of the shift; didn't take me long to get out of the swing of things! There were a ton of IVs to do, including one that I'd never heard of before so had to look it up. There are patients in who have been in for ages. People who need help mobilising etc. We have so few staff and so much work to do. Same old story. Ah well, on a double shift tomorrow. Should be... interesting!

Eight days solid on an NHS ward.

I am about to start an 8 day stretch at work, having had 13 days off. It's my own doing. I requested the first 3 days off of this week to extend my holidays, and the last 3 days of next week because of TA training. Still, it's going to be a stinker of a week. What is worse is that I can't go to military fitness classes until next Tuesday (6 day gap) because of my shifts. I'm going to be requesting many more shifts in future, everyone else does!

Anyway, I'm going to try to put something on here every single day for the next 8 days. I'm on a late shift today. Time for another coffee before I go in... wish me luck! :-)

Not a great start to my third year as a registered nurse.

I worked a 10 hour shift today, and I'm on a 7.5 hour early shift tomorrow. Today I finished half an hour late. Here follows a brief account of the bed status throughout my 9am to 7pm shift.

Bed 1: Medical lodger. Late review (dr unavailable despite being bleeped). Discharged. Needed hospital transport. No ward clerk so 20 mins on hold to transport service. New admission an hour later, for theatre tomorrow.

Bed 2: Pre-op patient. Unwell so surgery cancelled. IV antibiotics 3x daily.

Bed 3: Medical lodger discharge to nursing home. To discharge ward at 9am. Morning meds not done so gave them before having handover. Then ICU patient pm, nearly 2 months in dept due to complications. Can barely stand (needs 2 staff), needs hoist to transfer. IV antibiotics. Poor oxygen levels. Low mood. No appetite. Poor swallow. Fluid balance chart. Pressure area care.

Bed 4: Chest lodger. IV antibiotics x2, 3x daily. Continuous IV infusion. Late review (dr did not attend ward) so some meds delayed.

Bed 5: Pre-op patient. Will need bloods etc tomorrow.

Bed 6: Empty at 9am. ICU patient pm. 1st day post major surgery. Heart monitoring, fluid balance, IV line care plans, 1 nurse to transfer, pain management, hourly urine output, 4 hourly observations.

Bed 7: Discharge post op patient. On call dr busy on another ward, take home meds prescribed late. Dispensed by pharmacy, home mid to late afternoon. Own transport. Then pre-op admission for surgery tomorrow. Paperwork, observations and bloods.

Bed 8: Empty am. Pre-op admission for theatre tomorrow. Paperwork, observations, bloods.

Bed 9: Empty am. Pre-op admission for theatre Friday. Paperwork, observations, bloods.

Bed 10: Empty am. Transfer from other side of the ward due to episodes of loose stools. IV antibiotics 3x daily. Poor respiratory status. A readmission following recent surgery-unwell at home. Barrier nursing.

Bed 11: Post op patient. Heart monitoring. Loose stools. Barrier nursing.

2 nurses, no healthcare assistant for the full day shift. The night shift will be one nurse and one healthcare assistant, with the HCA expected to cover the other side of the ward too.

Might not sound a lot to the non-nurses amongst us, but add to that the chasing of doctors to see their patients, the giving out of tablets, the recording of observations, assisting with washes/showers, doctors rounds, the never-ending phone calls, the visiting times, having the time to talk to the patients, pressure area care, writing, form filling, referrals to other agencies, liaising with other specialities, eg. physiotherapists, dieticians, specialist nurses, microbiology. I'm lying here wide awake scared of going into work tomorrow. This is no way to live.

Crap day off.

Arguing with daughter, depressed about what happened last year, no money, being coerced into going to some TV show thing with a "friend", overworked to point of being dangerous at work. I'm feeling a bit blue right now. I can't see a way to solve anything. Everything I do just seems to make things worse. I'm waiting to hear from QARANC about my full time application but I can't see that panning out. I'm too old and unfit. I can get fit, but it just takes longer when you're 40! I'm fitter now than I was in my 20s, but that's not saying much. I need to get through the second part of TA training yet, and that's the tough bit. Got a couple of months to up my fitness. Need to do more load carrying. PSI says twice a week. I'll put some times in my diary; that should encourage me to go. In the meantime I'm going to as many mil fitness classes as I can. Missing tonight's because of this bloody TV show thing. Same friend wants to have a drinking session on Monday; if that happens then I'll be missing another one. I think I'll be ducking out of that one. I can't afford to be spending money on stuff like that. I'll think up some excuse.

Death by off duty.

6 weekends in a row... so far. One week of 2 night shifts and 2 day shifts, followed by a week consisting of a night shift, a study day and 3 day shifts, with my 2 days off split. This is what you get for trying not to be a pain and requesting loads of off duty. So do you know what I've done? Put in a load of requests for July. It doesn't pay to be nice, especially where the deputy ward manager is concerned.

God help the NHS. Someone needs to.

I had a bloody awful shift yesterday. Myself and my colleague were on the verge of tears and very nearly walked out. 8 post surgical patients each on the early and the late shift. I was on a 9-19.00h shift, she was on a long day. She was on her own after 7pm until the night shift turned up at 20.30. At that stage there were 14 patients on the ward, 1 with an epidural, 1 with an epipleural and 2 with PCAs. There were patients on IV antibiotics, patients with chest drains and 1 with hardly any blood pressure at all. The NHS fucking stinks. It's going to take something really bad to happen before anything is done about it. The patients I look after have had major surgery and things can go wrong. Fortunately there was nothing serious yesterday, but this is going to be continuing for the foreseeable future. I need to get out because every day I work on that godforsaken ward I am putting my registration in danger. I know it's selfish but I don't want to be the one to make THE mistake. To be too busy to do half hourly obs on a patient. To be too tired to remember that someone needs an IV at a particular time. The ward I work on is an excellent ward with intelligent and dedicated staff. We are dropping like flies. The NHS is sucking every little bit of dedication and drive out of us. We are unable to be the nurses that we aspire to be. Thanks Cameron and cronies. It's great for you that it's us that feel the pain and guilt if we injure someone, or worse. But you put us there. You're guilty, and I won't forget that.

Crap mum number one.

What a shit day. And it started off so well. I did okay at military fitness today. Wish my press ups were better though. Anyway, the day got steadily worse from then. It's mainly to do with my daughter. I have been feeling unappreciated and knackered and misunderstood for a while now, probably since she started seeing that twat of a boyfriend she had. Don't know if she's still with him or not. I don't like the person she's turned into since she's known him. He really is a piece of work. Anyway, she was talking with him online tonight so god only knows what's going on. She went on Facebook earlier, mentioned something about going to the cinema and did anyone want to go with her. I replied that I thought she was going to spend the weekend revising, as she has her AS levels coming up, and she'd said she was going to revise. Her reply was that she just couldn't find the motivation. I was seething but I kept quiet. I texted her later (can't be arsed talking through a door), saying that if she was feeling unmotivated (word?) then she should go to the gym or go for a swim, and that she just needed to get out of her room. She replied, saying that it was a good idea but did she do it? Did she fuck. Lazy cow. She's spent the entire day in that bedroom talking to that twat. I very much doubt that she has so much as looked at a text book. And to top it all, she's now broken the screen on her laptop because she was cross with him for some reason. I have never been that close to downing a bottle of vodka as I was just then. It was only because I was in my dressing gown about to get in the shower that I didn't go straight to the offy for enough alcohol to make me go blind. She was shouting and crying. I'd heard the crack and was concerned that she might have electrocuted herself or something. I'm just fed up and disappointed now. I've spent the whole day cleaning and cooking and washing dishes. I got attitude when I asked her to wash and dry the dishes and glasses that she had been accumulating in her room so I said to her that it wasn't too much to ask for her to dry the dishes rather than leave them on the draining board, and the next I knew she was slagging me off to the twat on the laptop. I tell you, if she hadn't broken it, I would have before long. Sounds like she's still talking to him anyway so the bloody thing still works. I don't know what to do anymore. It's a terrible atmosphere here. I don't like her at all right now and I'm scared because I shouldn't feel like that. All I want is to move away, join the regulars or something. It might be a better situation for both of us. I know I'm a crap Mum and she's probably right to blame me for all of her ills, but I just don't know how to handle this anymore. She's so self-centred and touchy; I can't say a thing to her anymore. Everything I say is wrong, or intended to have a go at her. It might be better if I wasn't here anymore. It would be great if I could get into Sandhurst. I could be away and still afford to pay the rent on this place so she would have somewhere to live. I just get the impression that she doesn't like me much anymore as well. I think I need to get some sleep. I feel like shit. I've just taken 2 DF118s, which is worrisome as I'm not in that much pain with my shoulder right now so I'm taking them to calm me down. I really don't want to go down that route. Say bye bye to army career, TA or regular. I'm going for a run tomorrow. I've decided to take off to the nearest mil fitness park. There's a lake there and I'm going to try to run round it a couple of times. Running is a much better stress reliever than pills or booze!

No more girlie press ups!

I've been hoisted out of the shit again. The CSA money went into my bank account this morning. It's not a fortune but it might just save the day. I wish they were more reliable with the days but hey-ho, you can't have it all. I wonder if he knows how many times that money has saved me. I might tell him, if I ever see him again. He hasn't even bothered seeing his daughter for months. No birthday present, no Christmas present. She turns 18 this year, I wonder if he'll acknowledge it.

I'm on my break on a night shift. First of 2 in a row. Not been the worst one ever. I'm working with some nice people. Got some good patients too. I'm flagging a bit now though! At least my headache's gone. Painkillers and caffeine, can't go wrong! I went to a military fitness class before my shift and I'm so glad I did. It really did improve my mood. I wasn't going to go, as mentioned before but I found out that it was only 10 mins away from home so wouldn't take up much petrol! Saw my favourite instructor too. It was at a venue I haven't been to in a while; a notoriously challenging one but I did it, and I didn't disgrace myself! So very glad I went. Next one is Thursday. I'll see if I can do all of my press ups from my feet!

Being skint is a bit dull :-(

I'm skint again. I don't think I'll make it to mil fitness tonight because I need to conserve my petrol and driving there in rush hour traffic isn't the best plan. Also, it means I'll have to drive to work tonight and I want to avoid using my car for work. I have classes to go to while I'm off and I need my petrol for that. Priorities.

On the plus side, it looks like I'm losing the taste for alcohol. I didn't have the best shift yesterday and normally would have headed straight for the booze aisle but I just didn't feel like it. I stayed in, watched some TV, messed around on Facebook and woke up this morning feeling, well, ok really! I'm glad I didn't bother going to Tesco, especially after checking my bank account this morning. Anyway, it looks like I'm staying in, cleaning my flat and maybe working on my abs while the daughter is at college! I can do a few ab planks while I've got Dr Who on itunes! I'm also going to use the time to catch up on paperwork and emails etc. I could do with my army money!

I have had relatives over from Canada this past week or so. I haven't seen a lot of them because they've been catching up with the whole extended family and I've had to work. They go home on Friday so I hope I get to see them before then. I really don't want to miss that fitness class though; it's so important that I get fit now; the rest of my army career depends on it! I try to remember that whenever I feel like eating the contents of my fridge.

Anyway, back to the rest of the day. Working tonight so not going to overdo it today. I'll do a bit of cleaning before having a shower (it's so warm and I stink!). Then I have a bluey to write, bills to pay, emails to write. What an exciting life. I can't wait for September; I need to go back to the army.

Missing the Army after just 9 days there :-(

I'm feeling unsettled again. I got back from my 9 day Army training last Thursday and I'm missing it so much. It was hard work, and not everything was good but I feel a bit lost now. I'm struggling with motivation to get up and do stuff. I've spent most of the last few days on the sofa with my Kindle. My guts have been bad having been regular as clockwork during training. I was crap at my military fitness class last night. I guess I'm just feeling a bit low and under the weather. I've just taken 2 dihydrocodeine tablets because I want to "bind myself up" a bit but in truth, that warm feeling it gives me for a short while also appealed. I don't want to go down that route. I think I'll just concentrate on keeping myself hydrated during the day and try to eat proper meals. I'm back at military fitness tonight. I'm going to attempt 6 sessions this week while I'm off. There has to be an improvement by then. I must be bordering on going up a group. It's getting embarrassing that I've been in the lowest group for so long.

I'm going to buy a gant (sp?) chart today. Purely for tracking my progress to the next lot of army training. I'm back for a refresher in August and then the final part of basic in September. I need to have dropped at least a stone by then and upped my phys by at least 300%. No joke. It looks like it's going to be a damned sight harder (but more enjoyable!) than what I've just done. Going to concentrate on endurance. Any tips would be greatly appreciated.

Night shifts... bring 'em on!

Ah, night shifts again. Only 2 this week though, thanks to the ward manager. It got changed because we're short on day staff and nights are easier to cover with bank staff because the pay is better. And it means I can go to my fitness class on Wednesday because I'm off.

I've not seen the bullying manager yet; she's back this week. I won't be working with her because I'm not back on days until weekend and she doesn't work weekends. Alright for some. I'll probably have the pleasure of handing over to her though. Nightmare. She questions everything. Oh well, I'm getting a bit of a reprieve from her for another week anyway.

Army training at the beginning of next month. I can't wait. It's so good to have something to look forward to. I need this year to be better than last year. It couldn't be much worse.

Pluses and minuses.

I've been turned down for a job an the intensive care unit at my hospital. I applied for another job, managed to get an interview but didn't quite make the grade. Apparently I didn't do enough homework, with regards to the nature of the patients and the type of nursing I would be expected to do. I was so bloody nervous as well. I don't know how much I wanted it, but it would have been good to get that ICU qualification. Ah well. At least as I was at a friend's house getting trollied when the call came through. 2 hours later than they said it would. I wish I hadn't told everyone now. Next time I apply for somewhere I'm not going to tell many people, if anyone at all. I just want to get away from this bullying manager. I told the senior ward manager about my increments (or lack thereof) when I asked for a reference. She didn't say much. I have a feeling that I might have put the cat amongst the pigeons now though so I'm going to keep an eye out for other suitable positions.

My army training for part A and a refresher has been confirmed now. I'm so excited, and so dreading telling the ward manager that I would like unpaid leave for part A1. I hadn't booked that and I've a feeling the deputy ward manager has done the off duty. I have just totally changed my off duty for the senior manager though so she might look favourably on me. I'll write a note tonight and slide it under the door. She's not in until Friday. I'll be there so I probably won't be popular. No changes there. I need this training. I've had such a shitty time lately and I still feel crap about what went on last November (see other blog). I'll try to put that across to the boss. She knows what happened.

I'm trying to decide whether to go to fitness class tonight or not. I want to... and I don't. I know I'll be crap because I haven't been for a week. I've just had a sneaky glass of wine. I've been in the car a lot today. I could think up excuse after excuse. The positives of going though probably outweigh the negatives. I can't go again until Sunday because of shifts. I HAVEN'T BEEN FOR A WEEK. The longer I leave it, the harder it gets. It's been a beautiful day today. I get to see the fit instructor (hopefully)! I'm on a long day tomorrow so could do with being outdoors for some of the next 30 hours. It would be good to see everyone again. I have army training in a month. I feel good about myself when I have been. And on and on and on. I think I'll go. I just need to drink some water having had that wine! Time to get cracking with new regimen for army training next month... bring it on!

Valentine's Day; alone and blue.

Ah well. Valentine's Day and I'm single yet again. The Ex has been messaging me on Facebook and text. He invited me to his for coffee one evening last week but I was working the next day so I declined. Would I have said yes had I not been working? Who knows. I'm not denying that I may have done. I've been occasionally lonely of late. It's good to know that he might be missing me. November was one of the most traumatic months of my life, especially in recent years. I'm still paying for that disastrous relationship, both financially and emotionally. I want to get back to how I was before. I need to.

I'm liking being off work but it's a bit miserable not being able to go anywhere. I have absolutely no money. I had to get another of those payday loans. I'm hoping that my council tax discount and tax credits come through very soon. I'm so tired of this now. I want my life back.

Being bullied.

I'm off work for the next 13 days... thank christ for that. It's not been a great week. Not because of the work or how busy it's been, but because of one member of staff. One of the managers has it in for me and I've been working with her for the past 3 days. She never fails to take an opportunity to humiliate me in front of other people and even says spiteful things about me when I'm not there. I found that out from a workmate who's also a mate. I'm looking for another job. It's a shame because I do quite like this one. But it's this manager's fault that I'm still on the lowest increment 21 months into my nursing career. The thing is, I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that not everyone is going to like me, just as I don't like everyone, but it would be nice to know how I've upset her. I think I have a case for bullying here. I'm going to the senior manager with it and I'm going to ask for someone else to do my appraisals. I've got nothing to lose. This manager hates me anyway. How much worse can it get?

Something extraordinary.

I'm fed up with myself. I need something to happen. I've just got to figure out how to make it happen. There are things happening in the world that I want to be a part of. There are mysteries in this world that I want to learn about. I have to do something. I don't just want to read about things anymore, I want to be a part of them.

Night shifts... they make me too introspective.

Feeling a little bit crap, as can be expected when just about to start the 2nd of 3 night shifts. I slept for about 4 hours, and that sleep was disturbed. I was also looking after a bunch of medical patients on IV antibiotics and NG feeds. One was incontinent, one was in severe pain, one was almost bedbound. And there was a full admission to do because she was for surgery the next day. It was a horrendous shift. I know I'll probably be back up there again. I'm the lowest of the low on that ward.

I saw myself in the full length mirror when I'd just got out of the shower and I was disgusted with myself. I look like a buddha. I'm so fat and unattractive and just grotesque. I've got to do something about it. Can't even afford the petrol to get to military fitness right now though. I'll have to start running again. And I'll have to stop eating crap food. It's all I can afford right now though. I hate myself.

It's no good asking how I got myself into this mess. I know what I've done. I've been burying my head in the sand for too long. I've no money again this month and I'll have to get another one of those loans. I'm waiting for the application pack for tax credits, I've printed off and completed an application for single person discount for council tax. I don't know if I'll get any for this year though, although it would be nice. I've stopped the insurance debit for my laptop which I'd forgotten I'd got. I've cancelled my subscription to Nursing Standard because I never read the damn thing. I'm going to cut the Sky down even further and am considering cancelling it altogether. Not sure what to do about the broadband though. I'll look into it. I'm getting on top of things. It's a humbling experience. I wonder if I've learned my lesson? Time will tell.

Fucking Torres and fucking nonsense.

I admit it. I'm on Twitter. It's fucking crap, I read it and I don't know why I read it but I do. Anyway. I'm utterly fucking sick of posts about this no-brainer called Torres. What the fuck is he? A footballer? Someone who can kick a ball around a field? His mother must be so proud. Vast amounts of money; unimaginable to most of us, spent on a robot that can kick a ball. What the fuck use would he be in a national emergency? Fucking none. I can't bear this celebrity status given to thicko footballers who have no skills apart from being able to kick a ball. Football has lost all of its credibility. It's not about skill anymore; it's about money. I'm a nurse on a NHS surgical ward, earning less than £22K a year. Who would you rather have in your nuclear bunker? If you're below the age of 16 then you'd prefer the footballer. Good luck to you! You're dead already.

Money and men.

I'm officially skint again. I can see that I'll probably have to get another one of those payday loans again, but I'm going to leave it until a bit closer to payday. I'm also reapplying for tax credits, looking into getting the 25% reduction on council tax and sorting out child benefits, because apparently that's stopping in June. I thought it gets paid until she leaves full time education, or up to 19 years old or something. I've been stupid, letting all of these things slide, and I'm paying for it now but if I get it sorted today I might see the benefit in February or March.

I'm still single. There's a guy who's quite keen but I don't have any feelings for him at all really. I'm not attracted to him, and have told him that I just want friendship for now but he's constantly emailing, telling me I'm unique etc. I feel really mean and I'm going to have to tell him because I feel I'm just leading him on. We got chatting on the website and we met up once. He was ok, but I'm just not interested in seeing him again. The most recent ex sent me a message on Facebook yesterday, asking after me and saying that he thought about me. This is what I wanted. I'm not interested in getting back with him, but I want him to realise what he's missing out on. I'm still quite bitter and I want him to hurt, to miss me.

Trying for a new start.

I haven't been able to sleep tonight. It's now 4.30am and I've just submitted an online application for a new job. It's on an ICU department. I'm apprehensive at the thought of starting somewhere new and I do actually like where I work but I feel the need to move on. What triggered it was the thought of facing the deputy ward manager tomorrow when I have to tell her that I don't have the required form I need for a training session. I'm not sure that it was given back to me after it was signed; I just can't remember. Anyway, I don't have it. This manager doesn't like me anyway. She's never liked me so this is just more fuel for the fire. It's a shame, because I'd love working there if it wasn't for her. She's the reason I've made absolutely no progress with my increments during my nearly 2 years on that ward. Anyway, an ICU qualification would be really useful for my army career! I'm not saying I'll even get an interview, I mean, completing an application form at this time when I'm pissed off and tired! Watch this space anyway. You never know...

Ah, bring on February!

I've been paid today! Oh joy! I checked my account before going to work this morning. The payday loan hadn't gone out; I hope they hadn't called for it before my wages went in... stupid of them if they did! I told them my pay date, it's up to them after that. I've done a bit of shopping, put petrol in my car and feel a whole lot better now, even though I know I'll be skint this month too. I'm prepared though; I can deal with it. There aren't any social engagements planned until after the next pay day so that's one good thing.

I've been back at work for a couple of days having had 11 days off. I didn't do much during the 11 days due to no cash, but it was nice having some time off. It was a lovely shift today; relatively quiet and the ward wasn't full. I ended up with just 3 patients so needless to say they were well cared for during my 10 hour shift!

I've been spending way too much time on Facebook because there is a guy on there who I have my eye on... same old story. I'm so lame. I really need to restart my army training because I need a new focus. I've been talking with an army friend of mine on the phone this evening and she's going through some traumas in her personal life so we both could do with concentrating on something we're doing for ourselves and will also benefit our physical and mental health at the same time. We're both still waiting to hear from our staff sergeant but we're mithering him constantly! He'll get sick of us eventually!

I'm actually feeling quite positive about the future now. I survived January (financially). It's going to be a squeeze but I'll get through February too. I just have to sign the NHSP forms to get on the bank to be able to extra shifts and earn extra money. I (hopefully) have army training coming up; good for the soul and the pocket! Things are going to get better for me. I'm not much liking being on my own so much though. I've had a taster recently of how good it can be to have some male company (and I'm not just talking about sex!) and I don't want to be on my own anymore. It's sad, but true. I'm lonely. It's a work in progress. I've decided to not just settle for anyone though; that would be easy. I want to love someone, and to be loved in return. He's out there. And I'm looking.

Still got my knee caps...

I'm still alive. The Halifax haven't sent the boys round to kneecap me or anything. A direct debit did get declined but there was cash in the bank when it was re-requested. Vodafone aren't going to get paid though because their DD is due the day before I get paid. That was bad planning. Might have to change the date of that one. Anyway, I have next to no money but I still managed to see a mate today that I really needed to see. She's a TA mate. We've both been through a bad time lately; she's still going through it and we really needed to get together. We went for a walk and managed to sort out some training dates for this year. We both really need to do something for ourselves. I'm going to ring my PSI on Monday to confirm the dates but I'll hopefully be back into training at the end of March. Time to get the gymboss out! I can't run for beans. So looking forward to going back though. I loved it there.

Anyway, 5 more days until I get paid. I did take out a payday loan and I'm going to pay it back when I get paid. They keep offering an extension but the grabbing bastards charge £50 for it. I only borrowed £200! I could have done with more but I was thinking of how much I'd have left out of next month's money... Anyway, it cost me £38. Not too bad. Going to try not to do it again though. February's going to be tight as well. I've ducked out of a hen do because it's at a night club and I won't be able to afford it. I'm going to start doing bank shifts; the application is going through. When I get through my army training I'll be on better money as an acting corporal. Doesn't help me now but the future is looking a little less dim!

Cash Generator?? I don't think so!

Just back from Cash Generator and they offered me £24 for the flute. £24!! They can kiss my ass! Bunch of robbing b'stards. Think I might get one of those payday loans. I don't think I'll be the only one this month.

The last thing I need is a VAT increase!

Crappiest of crap starts to the year. I have £64 to last me the next 20 days and about £3 million due to come out of my bank in debits. What have I been playing at? I hadn't checked my bank account in weeks, and I've just been through an expensive Christmas. I couldn't go shopping tonight and we're getting low on food. I'm supposed to be hosting a cocktail evening in just over a week for 2 friends. WTF??? This has been a big wake up call for me. 2010 (the latter half) was rubbish; I was bordering on proper depression I think. I'm determined to make this year better. I'm seeing this as the residue of being a complete dick while going out with a complete dick, getting myself knocked up, getting dumped and having an abortion. It was shit, but it was last year. This is the result. I've had my head in the clouds and this is the result. I've been living in fantasy land, spending, buying crap, getting drunk A LOT and now this. Well, it won't continue. I hope I catch a lucky break tomorrow and my car insurance goes out a bit late because I do have cash to put in my account. I just won't get there until tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to finally get rid of the flute I bought for my daughter when she was 11; she lost interest when it got difficult and it's been gathering dust ever since. It's going to the pawn shop. I don't care if I only get £50 for it, I need the money. I'll try not to look too desperate when I go in though...

Anyway, onward and upward. I'm reducing my direct debits, reapplying for single person council tax reduction, reapplying for tax credits, and anything else I can think of. I'll be using my Nectar points for shopping, and I have a fair few. I will only be buying basics though and using what I have in the freezer. Other than that, it will be Netto down the road. The heating will be used minimally. Dishwasher hardly at all. I can't afford to put petrol in the car so I'll be walking to work and using it sparingly. Tomorrow I'm driving to my Mum's so I'll go to the bank and get some necessities from the nearby Sainsburys; three things in one go. I've cancelled a meeting with a potential love interest; I was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow evening. I haven't told him why; too embarrassing, but cannot afford to travel to the arranged destination. I have to concentrate on getting myself right first. This is so important. It's crap being skint but it makes a person reassess what is really necessary. When I was sorting out my papers and tidying stuff away, I came across the painkillers I was prescribed following my abortion, and it crossed my mind to take a whole load of them because I was feeling so disappointed in myself. It was just a fleeting thought but it made me burst into tears. I know I'd never really consider doing myself in. It's definitely not that bad. Yep, onward and upward. I have so much to live for; I'm loads luckier than so many people. This is a blip and it is entirely my doing. It's my responsibility to get myself out of it.