Crappiest of crap starts to the year. I have £64 to last me the next 20 days and about £3 million due to come out of my bank in debits. What have I been playing at? I hadn't checked my bank account in weeks, and I've just been through an expensive Christmas. I couldn't go shopping tonight and we're getting low on food. I'm supposed to be hosting a cocktail evening in just over a week for 2 friends. WTF??? This has been a big wake up call for me. 2010 (the latter half) was rubbish; I was bordering on proper depression I think. I'm determined to make this year better. I'm seeing this as the residue of being a complete dick while going out with a complete dick, getting myself knocked up, getting dumped and having an abortion. It was shit, but it was last year. This is the result. I've had my head in the clouds and this is the result. I've been living in fantasy land, spending, buying crap, getting drunk A LOT and now this. Well, it won't continue. I hope I catch a lucky break tomorrow and my car insurance goes out a bit late because I do have cash to put in my account. I just won't get there until tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to finally get rid of the flute I bought for my daughter when she was 11; she lost interest when it got difficult and it's been gathering dust ever since. It's going to the pawn shop. I don't care if I only get £50 for it, I need the money. I'll try not to look too desperate when I go in though...
Anyway, onward and upward. I'm reducing my direct debits, reapplying for single person council tax reduction, reapplying for tax credits, and anything else I can think of. I'll be using my Nectar points for shopping, and I have a fair few. I will only be buying basics though and using what I have in the freezer. Other than that, it will be Netto down the road. The heating will be used minimally. Dishwasher hardly at all. I can't afford to put petrol in the car so I'll be walking to work and using it sparingly. Tomorrow I'm driving to my Mum's so I'll go to the bank and get some necessities from the nearby Sainsburys; three things in one go. I've cancelled a meeting with a potential love interest; I was supposed to be seeing him tomorrow evening. I haven't told him why; too embarrassing, but cannot afford to travel to the arranged destination. I have to concentrate on getting myself right first. This is so important. It's crap being skint but it makes a person reassess what is really necessary. When I was sorting out my papers and tidying stuff away, I came across the painkillers I was prescribed following my abortion, and it crossed my mind to take a whole load of them because I was feeling so disappointed in myself. It was just a fleeting thought but it made me burst into tears. I know I'd never really consider doing myself in. It's definitely not that bad. Yep, onward and upward. I have so much to live for; I'm loads luckier than so many people. This is a blip and it is entirely my doing. It's my responsibility to get myself out of it.
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