Crap day off.

Arguing with daughter, depressed about what happened last year, no money, being coerced into going to some TV show thing with a "friend", overworked to point of being dangerous at work. I'm feeling a bit blue right now. I can't see a way to solve anything. Everything I do just seems to make things worse. I'm waiting to hear from QARANC about my full time application but I can't see that panning out. I'm too old and unfit. I can get fit, but it just takes longer when you're 40! I'm fitter now than I was in my 20s, but that's not saying much. I need to get through the second part of TA training yet, and that's the tough bit. Got a couple of months to up my fitness. Need to do more load carrying. PSI says twice a week. I'll put some times in my diary; that should encourage me to go. In the meantime I'm going to as many mil fitness classes as I can. Missing tonight's because of this bloody TV show thing. Same friend wants to have a drinking session on Monday; if that happens then I'll be missing another one. I think I'll be ducking out of that one. I can't afford to be spending money on stuff like that. I'll think up some excuse.

Death by off duty.

6 weekends in a row... so far. One week of 2 night shifts and 2 day shifts, followed by a week consisting of a night shift, a study day and 3 day shifts, with my 2 days off split. This is what you get for trying not to be a pain and requesting loads of off duty. So do you know what I've done? Put in a load of requests for July. It doesn't pay to be nice, especially where the deputy ward manager is concerned.

God help the NHS. Someone needs to.

I had a bloody awful shift yesterday. Myself and my colleague were on the verge of tears and very nearly walked out. 8 post surgical patients each on the early and the late shift. I was on a 9-19.00h shift, she was on a long day. She was on her own after 7pm until the night shift turned up at 20.30. At that stage there were 14 patients on the ward, 1 with an epidural, 1 with an epipleural and 2 with PCAs. There were patients on IV antibiotics, patients with chest drains and 1 with hardly any blood pressure at all. The NHS fucking stinks. It's going to take something really bad to happen before anything is done about it. The patients I look after have had major surgery and things can go wrong. Fortunately there was nothing serious yesterday, but this is going to be continuing for the foreseeable future. I need to get out because every day I work on that godforsaken ward I am putting my registration in danger. I know it's selfish but I don't want to be the one to make THE mistake. To be too busy to do half hourly obs on a patient. To be too tired to remember that someone needs an IV at a particular time. The ward I work on is an excellent ward with intelligent and dedicated staff. We are dropping like flies. The NHS is sucking every little bit of dedication and drive out of us. We are unable to be the nurses that we aspire to be. Thanks Cameron and cronies. It's great for you that it's us that feel the pain and guilt if we injure someone, or worse. But you put us there. You're guilty, and I won't forget that.

Crap mum number one.

What a shit day. And it started off so well. I did okay at military fitness today. Wish my press ups were better though. Anyway, the day got steadily worse from then. It's mainly to do with my daughter. I have been feeling unappreciated and knackered and misunderstood for a while now, probably since she started seeing that twat of a boyfriend she had. Don't know if she's still with him or not. I don't like the person she's turned into since she's known him. He really is a piece of work. Anyway, she was talking with him online tonight so god only knows what's going on. She went on Facebook earlier, mentioned something about going to the cinema and did anyone want to go with her. I replied that I thought she was going to spend the weekend revising, as she has her AS levels coming up, and she'd said she was going to revise. Her reply was that she just couldn't find the motivation. I was seething but I kept quiet. I texted her later (can't be arsed talking through a door), saying that if she was feeling unmotivated (word?) then she should go to the gym or go for a swim, and that she just needed to get out of her room. She replied, saying that it was a good idea but did she do it? Did she fuck. Lazy cow. She's spent the entire day in that bedroom talking to that twat. I very much doubt that she has so much as looked at a text book. And to top it all, she's now broken the screen on her laptop because she was cross with him for some reason. I have never been that close to downing a bottle of vodka as I was just then. It was only because I was in my dressing gown about to get in the shower that I didn't go straight to the offy for enough alcohol to make me go blind. She was shouting and crying. I'd heard the crack and was concerned that she might have electrocuted herself or something. I'm just fed up and disappointed now. I've spent the whole day cleaning and cooking and washing dishes. I got attitude when I asked her to wash and dry the dishes and glasses that she had been accumulating in her room so I said to her that it wasn't too much to ask for her to dry the dishes rather than leave them on the draining board, and the next I knew she was slagging me off to the twat on the laptop. I tell you, if she hadn't broken it, I would have before long. Sounds like she's still talking to him anyway so the bloody thing still works. I don't know what to do anymore. It's a terrible atmosphere here. I don't like her at all right now and I'm scared because I shouldn't feel like that. All I want is to move away, join the regulars or something. It might be a better situation for both of us. I know I'm a crap Mum and she's probably right to blame me for all of her ills, but I just don't know how to handle this anymore. She's so self-centred and touchy; I can't say a thing to her anymore. Everything I say is wrong, or intended to have a go at her. It might be better if I wasn't here anymore. It would be great if I could get into Sandhurst. I could be away and still afford to pay the rent on this place so she would have somewhere to live. I just get the impression that she doesn't like me much anymore as well. I think I need to get some sleep. I feel like shit. I've just taken 2 DF118s, which is worrisome as I'm not in that much pain with my shoulder right now so I'm taking them to calm me down. I really don't want to go down that route. Say bye bye to army career, TA or regular. I'm going for a run tomorrow. I've decided to take off to the nearest mil fitness park. There's a lake there and I'm going to try to run round it a couple of times. Running is a much better stress reliever than pills or booze!

No more girlie press ups!

I've been hoisted out of the shit again. The CSA money went into my bank account this morning. It's not a fortune but it might just save the day. I wish they were more reliable with the days but hey-ho, you can't have it all. I wonder if he knows how many times that money has saved me. I might tell him, if I ever see him again. He hasn't even bothered seeing his daughter for months. No birthday present, no Christmas present. She turns 18 this year, I wonder if he'll acknowledge it.

I'm on my break on a night shift. First of 2 in a row. Not been the worst one ever. I'm working with some nice people. Got some good patients too. I'm flagging a bit now though! At least my headache's gone. Painkillers and caffeine, can't go wrong! I went to a military fitness class before my shift and I'm so glad I did. It really did improve my mood. I wasn't going to go, as mentioned before but I found out that it was only 10 mins away from home so wouldn't take up much petrol! Saw my favourite instructor too. It was at a venue I haven't been to in a while; a notoriously challenging one but I did it, and I didn't disgrace myself! So very glad I went. Next one is Thursday. I'll see if I can do all of my press ups from my feet!

Being skint is a bit dull :-(

I'm skint again. I don't think I'll make it to mil fitness tonight because I need to conserve my petrol and driving there in rush hour traffic isn't the best plan. Also, it means I'll have to drive to work tonight and I want to avoid using my car for work. I have classes to go to while I'm off and I need my petrol for that. Priorities.

On the plus side, it looks like I'm losing the taste for alcohol. I didn't have the best shift yesterday and normally would have headed straight for the booze aisle but I just didn't feel like it. I stayed in, watched some TV, messed around on Facebook and woke up this morning feeling, well, ok really! I'm glad I didn't bother going to Tesco, especially after checking my bank account this morning. Anyway, it looks like I'm staying in, cleaning my flat and maybe working on my abs while the daughter is at college! I can do a few ab planks while I've got Dr Who on itunes! I'm also going to use the time to catch up on paperwork and emails etc. I could do with my army money!

I have had relatives over from Canada this past week or so. I haven't seen a lot of them because they've been catching up with the whole extended family and I've had to work. They go home on Friday so I hope I get to see them before then. I really don't want to miss that fitness class though; it's so important that I get fit now; the rest of my army career depends on it! I try to remember that whenever I feel like eating the contents of my fridge.

Anyway, back to the rest of the day. Working tonight so not going to overdo it today. I'll do a bit of cleaning before having a shower (it's so warm and I stink!). Then I have a bluey to write, bills to pay, emails to write. What an exciting life. I can't wait for September; I need to go back to the army.