Valentine's Day; alone and blue.

Ah well. Valentine's Day and I'm single yet again. The Ex has been messaging me on Facebook and text. He invited me to his for coffee one evening last week but I was working the next day so I declined. Would I have said yes had I not been working? Who knows. I'm not denying that I may have done. I've been occasionally lonely of late. It's good to know that he might be missing me. November was one of the most traumatic months of my life, especially in recent years. I'm still paying for that disastrous relationship, both financially and emotionally. I want to get back to how I was before. I need to.

I'm liking being off work but it's a bit miserable not being able to go anywhere. I have absolutely no money. I had to get another of those payday loans. I'm hoping that my council tax discount and tax credits come through very soon. I'm so tired of this now. I want my life back.

Being bullied.

I'm off work for the next 13 days... thank christ for that. It's not been a great week. Not because of the work or how busy it's been, but because of one member of staff. One of the managers has it in for me and I've been working with her for the past 3 days. She never fails to take an opportunity to humiliate me in front of other people and even says spiteful things about me when I'm not there. I found that out from a workmate who's also a mate. I'm looking for another job. It's a shame because I do quite like this one. But it's this manager's fault that I'm still on the lowest increment 21 months into my nursing career. The thing is, I don't know what I've done to deserve this. I know that not everyone is going to like me, just as I don't like everyone, but it would be nice to know how I've upset her. I think I have a case for bullying here. I'm going to the senior manager with it and I'm going to ask for someone else to do my appraisals. I've got nothing to lose. This manager hates me anyway. How much worse can it get?

Something extraordinary.

I'm fed up with myself. I need something to happen. I've just got to figure out how to make it happen. There are things happening in the world that I want to be a part of. There are mysteries in this world that I want to learn about. I have to do something. I don't just want to read about things anymore, I want to be a part of them.

Night shifts... they make me too introspective.

Feeling a little bit crap, as can be expected when just about to start the 2nd of 3 night shifts. I slept for about 4 hours, and that sleep was disturbed. I was also looking after a bunch of medical patients on IV antibiotics and NG feeds. One was incontinent, one was in severe pain, one was almost bedbound. And there was a full admission to do because she was for surgery the next day. It was a horrendous shift. I know I'll probably be back up there again. I'm the lowest of the low on that ward.

I saw myself in the full length mirror when I'd just got out of the shower and I was disgusted with myself. I look like a buddha. I'm so fat and unattractive and just grotesque. I've got to do something about it. Can't even afford the petrol to get to military fitness right now though. I'll have to start running again. And I'll have to stop eating crap food. It's all I can afford right now though. I hate myself.

It's no good asking how I got myself into this mess. I know what I've done. I've been burying my head in the sand for too long. I've no money again this month and I'll have to get another one of those loans. I'm waiting for the application pack for tax credits, I've printed off and completed an application for single person discount for council tax. I don't know if I'll get any for this year though, although it would be nice. I've stopped the insurance debit for my laptop which I'd forgotten I'd got. I've cancelled my subscription to Nursing Standard because I never read the damn thing. I'm going to cut the Sky down even further and am considering cancelling it altogether. Not sure what to do about the broadband though. I'll look into it. I'm getting on top of things. It's a humbling experience. I wonder if I've learned my lesson? Time will tell.